tapestry

If you have followed any of my entries you will know that one of the spiritual readings that frequents my nightstand is A Course in Miracles.  I find the phrase to be gentler wouldn’t be kinder so appropriate.  In my work with people in recovery or even those that are conscious enough and have a desire to understand the matrix of their lives, it can become a powerful healing thought.  Recently in my own life I have experienced the power of severe action by someone very close to me.  For a good week I would say that my world was turned upside down.  What that looks like for me is no point of connection,  floating through of the days to get to the night to find oneself doing the same thing over and over…It is a painful and a disconnected place to be.  Thinking about it now I realize it is much like I was during my drinking days. After what I thought was a well deserved pity party I re-engaged in morning meditation and surprise the right thought came to me, which provided the breath I needed.  What I heard was “he did you a favor”.  All of a sudden what I thought had been done to me, I could see was done for my own good.  This loving soul was more courageous than I and realized the best way through the situation was to remove himself from the situation.  Something that a month prior I knew I should do but couldn’t…. Am I making any sense? 

What I realized over the past couple of days is that in my past I would drink over the thought that something had been done to me.  I especially did that with my personal relationships.  The phrase we hear, I get mad at you and I drink.  What I realized is that if he had been gentler with me, I wouldn’t have gotten it…and it wouldn’t have been kinder.

To some of you this may not seem to be a big deal, but it reminded me of how powerful being able to look at the gift of each situation is.  Last week for example he was a coward, a immature little boy.  And today what I realize is that he has more spiritual courage than I do, because to continue the way things were would have been nuts.

What does this mean for you?  If you have been “hurt” by someone recently I would invite you to look at what they did and ask yourself if you might have needed that for your own peace of mind.  Did they do for you what you couldn’t do for yourself.  Did he leave you, did your boss fire you, did you get a DUI.  It is a reminder to me that every experience whether we can see it as good or bad is designed for the emancipation of our soul. 

I have learned that in some instances the person that we think is the perpetrator might very well be showing up to give us something that we are not willing to look at, do for ourselves or be in order for us to grow up. 

Could this be happening in your life?

When I first got sober I remember reading in the big book, we can’t think our way into right actions, but act our way into right thinking.  I remember reading it an not really making the connection that I probably should have, but then you remember those first days when you are literally coming out of the ether?  Nothing and everything made sense, you could hear things and sort of understand the implications but there was a part of you that either didn’t want to get it or couldn’t for some particular reason.

If your recovery has been anything like mine and still is today, I used to try to think through everything, and in fact sometimes that process alone paralyzes me.  I have a tendency to go over and over the same information, situation or event until I have exhausted each and every path of the decision or thought.  And then I am exhausted and wonder why I am?

When you are faced with an opportunity to do something different today how do you respond?  When it feels like you have been in this situation before, do you think about it an then act or to you act and then think.  I think for those of us in recovery both are important.  I know that in my past I used to respond to most situations, I thought the first person in the arguement with the biggest words won.  And now I realize that isn’t the case.  I also used to think that I could have a “right life” if I thought about it.  What I have come to learn is that sometimes doing the right thing lends itself to right living.  So what is right living?  The Aramaic definition of sin is “off the mark”, notice that doesn’t say wrong, bad or disgusting, rather we didn’t hit the target.  The target in each situation we are faced with can be different.  But the target in most instances I think is doing the right thing so that we don’t hurt others, that we find compassion for each other and the path our lives has taken, and being mindful of any new karma we might create for ourselves and others.

Recently I have been given a chance to act my way into right living, and honestly I would give myself a D-.  I have been given an opportunity to revisit a lesson that I should have gotten in my early 20’s.  I guess I could say I didn’t see it coming, or the person that showed up to teach me the lessons felt and looked much different that the experience I had 30 years ago.  All of those things are true in this case, but the lesson is still the lesson and I haven’t done a very good job at learning.  I spent a good two weeks trying to think through it, ponder the hows and the whys, and the details.  But what I have come to learn in the last few days is that I can only change the way I act in response to the situation to find my center again.  Because you see what I think we each were looking for in our addiction is that “peace that surpasses understanding”, that inner place I talked about last weekend.

So the thoughts I would leave you to ponder today are:

• Have you noticed your thinking lately?
• Has your thought process brought you anxiety or peace?
• Who are you blaming for your situation today, could you act different and remove the blame?
• If people saw your thoughts what would they make of them?
• Are your actions in alignment with your words, in other words, are you congruent?

I finally reached this place toward the end of this past week.  I believe that when we get the clutter of our thoughts out of the way we are able to really hear the voice of God in the situation.  The reason why something happened or the reason why we might have failed the test again is because we don’t take the time to hear what god wants us to know.  What I got  this week when I finally allowed the voice of spirit to come into the mix was to hear and get to the place where I could begin to act in a way that felt right to me.

In my last post I mentioned that I was going to make a move back to California.  Well as it usually happens I made plans and God laughed…the god of my understanding has a tremendous sense of humor.  Suffice it to say that that trip didn’t happen and I am not in California.  One of the benefits of working on my own evolution of consciousness is that I am getting better, not the best for sure at paying attention.  I think it is demonstrated by the fact that I have honed that sense that I find myself in Sidney, Nebraksa, which I will now call home.  The “road to home” and finding home however was paved with some wonderful opportunities for me and has provided me with a greater understanding of what home means to me.  This morning as I woke I knew it was time to come back to these pages and continue my work, and share with you the discovery that the last 60 days has provided me.  I always know that if I really pay attention signs will come to me about next steps, and this morning’s Hazelden quote is no exception here is the quote for July 27, 2008~~

“Place yourself in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom, which flows through your life.  Then, without effort, you are impelled to truth and to perfect contentment.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

I love language and words and the word that jumped out at me in this quote is “impelled”, when I looked up the definition of it I liked it even more  “to drive or cause to move onward; propel; impart motion to“.  This even brought more meaning to the day and my topic of finding home.  You see I left Colorado with only one thought in mind, I needed to keep moving.  Not the running away that I had become common during my drinking days, but rather  create movement, momemtum, mandatory motion as I have felt is key to our sense of direction.  It is only when we are moving toward something do we know if that is where we are supposed to be.  I now know that I was impelled, and that is how I discovered home again for me.  

Thirty three years ago I left my home state of Nebraska, and honestly never looked back.  I was still in college and already very practiced in my drinking career.  My life has afforded me some incredible opportunities, chances to see and do things that many in my home state probably won’t ever see or do.  And what the last 60 days has done is brought me back to my home state of Nebraksa.  You see I had to leave what I thought was my home to learn what home really is. 

I traveled from Pagosa across many miles that I had covered before, visited places that I had been before in much younger skin, saw and connected with friends that I hadn’t seen in many years.  I literally had to take a road trip to find home.  And all of the miles that I put on me and Isabella in the last 60 days have led me to one conclusion  Home isn’t a place, an address, a relationship, a job….home is wherever I am that peace resides.  It is an inner place, not necessarily associated with a physical address.  I learned this through the process of being homeless and jobless where the things that I had in my possession were the things that I had learned living in the mountains were what was important, and those were few.  My journal, my animal medicine cards that carry wisdom when I choose to use them, my laptop because I am an information junkie, and probably most important my companion Isabella who turned 5 this past week.

During this past 60 days I also met someone that I am certain I will never forget.  It has been said that we all have a twin, someone that is an absolute reflection of who we are, how we show up in the world and comes into our world to provide an accurate reflection of our soul.  My encounter with my twin was brief, but likely one of the most powerful experiences I have ever had.  And what I realize is that in order for me to meet and experience this beautiful soul I had to come home, to me and to my home state.  I am dreadfully sad it was such a brief encounter, and continue to pray…for more.

Joseph Campbell’s, “The Hero’s Journey” is the only reason I can explain why I am here because for anyone who knows me knows this new life defies logic as we know it.  But what I am going to do is invite you to continue with me on this adveventure in the heart of America…because it is the heart and I believe I have much to learn from being here.

Two years ago I made a move to the mountains here to build at that time what I thought was my work and my purpose. I came with a full knowing that I belonged here, and that my work here would flourish. Pagosa Springs is a small mountain community of 1400 people. Over the past two years I have been honored by 10 women who have crossed the threshold of Tapestry Lodge to find themselves, and to free their lives of drugs or alcohol. And amazingly enough 50% of them are on the road to recovery, all of the credit I give to this magical place I live.

It has come to my attention, no rather more accurately my checkbook that I am however unable to continue supporting my dream in this environment. Some of it is financial, but I would have to say the majority of it is emotional. You see, I love “the work”, some of you won’t need me to define what that is you will get it, and some of you might not. But I love working and being able to be a part of a larger picture. I finally realized two weeks ago that I wasn’t, I was isolated and not contributing at the level I believe I can.

So in the next few weeks I will be transitioning my dream back to Southern California. I read this quote yesterday and I believe it captures my current mindset

“The dream in your heart my be bigger than the environment in which you find yourself. Sometimes you have to get out of the environment in order to see your dream fulfilled.” -Joel Osteen.

As a part of my coaches training I learned that as adults (and yes I am one today) we have to be able to let go of certain things to be able to learn new. I am taking that to heart as I prepare for this transition. I know I came here with my dream, but was it God’s will for my life? I came here thinking that the Lodge was my work, but in fact my scars and the journey I share with many of you is my work.

Are you are a transition point in your life? Could it be that you need to get out of your environment for your dreams to take off. Are you able to let go of the way you thought it was going to be and stay open to the possibility? I encourage you just as I have had to d over the past few months to really open up to what your heart and your dream is telling you.

This morning I got to thinking about what it feels like when we attach ourselves to anything. For many of us we were attached to our drugs or alcohol for many years. And I would suspect that you might find something in common with me I have attachments to many other things. In the past few weeks I have been taking a look at the attachment I have had to the place I live. If you have followed any of my posts here you know this place has been one of my greatest healers and teachers. And I have been recently asking myself am I attached.

What would it feel like for me to let go of this physical structure, this place of peace. I ask myself would I find peace elsewhere, would I be able to find inspiring things to write about (that is assuming this is inspiring!!!). It may come to that soon for me, I have been asked to once again look at what I hold as dear to me.

Attachments serve us, until they don’t, have you heard me say something like that before? It is true with people, relationships, jobs, dreams and even beautiful lodges in the mountains. The question becomes what are you attached to? Have you known deep in your heart that you were attached and wanted to let it go but don’t know how? Have you convinced yourself that things would get better and with the change in something it would look different? If you are hanging on the question I have had to ask about my own attachment is “what am I most afraid of if I let it go?

Ponder today the fear of the unknown…

One night this week as I was getting ready to get comfortable and watch Intervention, I glanced out the window to see a herd of Elk coming down from the mountains into the valley that I live in. In the two years I have been here I haven’t seen a herd this size. They are majestic animals. I was struck by how they stuck together, feeding and almost watching each other to make sure of their safety.

Frequently when I see such a force of nature in my world I consult with my animal medicine cards to learn what they stand for and what they are here to teach us. So this morning I looked up Elk and found their energy means “stamina”. I thought the additional lesson that I got from reading is especially important for us women in recovery. I read ” Elk medicine means it may be important for you to see the company of your own gender for awhile. You may need a support group to realign yourself with the stamina of the warrioress energy that you are apart of. ”

The reading also goes on to suggest that you may want to look at how you are holding up physically to the stresses in your life, and to pace yourself. I thought all of these comments were particularly appropriate for those of us who are now dedicated to living a life with purpose and passion. I am learning it takes a tremendous amount of stamina to hold fast to the dream, to sort through what part of the work is yours and what part is that of the greater universal being.

What is your stress level? Is it true that you might need to hang with your herd? Are you bracing yourself for the long haul in this life of recovery? Are you giving yourself permission to follow instead of lead. I am grateful today to the elk as they provided me the opportunity to go inside once again and see where I am. Read the rest of this entry »

Each morning as I pour my first cup of coffee I have a Marianne Williamson, perpetual calendar with a Course in Miracle quote on it. It helps to remind me what day it is if I have lost track of time. When I turned it for today’s quote I noticed today is April 14th.

For many as it once was for me today creates a ton of stress. In 2001 the year before I got sober I hadn’t filed taxes for 6 years and owed the IRS well over Read the rest of this entry »

Imagine waking up and being grateful the temperatures outside are about 19 degrees on April 11th. This morning that is exactly how I feel. For anyone that comes and spends any time with me at Tapestry Lodge you know that my morning ritual is a very important part of my day. From the end of October, generally until the end of April my first task in the morning is to get the fire going. Know that I have a grind and brew coffee maker with a timer so that part is already taken care of, with the coffee pot generally grinding at 5AM. This girl knows her priorities!!

While many parts of the the country are really experiencing spring, we seem to have one last winter storm before our daffodils bloom. And for the the couple of days we had that. So this morning as the temps are still cold I get to practice my ritual. The fire for me represents a way for me to just take time to think about where I am, to ponder what the great spirits have in store and get the day started in calm not chaos.

Each year as I come to the end of the wood stove season I feel a sense of loss, not quite knowing what to do with my mornings to create the same feeling of connectedness the fire gives me. I have a hard time “letting go” of the fire as silly as that sounds because of what it represents in my morning. For me it is a recovery remedy, something that has become a part of the fabric of my life for 6 months.

As I was looking at the fire this morning which seems to be burning especially well I was thinking about “letting go.” How many times have I had to practice these muscles in 52 years?? More than I can count. It started with letting go of my Dad when I was 24, he died of a massive heart attack, giving two of my loving four legged companions Lady and Sassy their angel wings, not to mention countless relationships over the past 25 years.

Probably the biggest opportunity to let go was when I gave up my addiction to alcohol, I let go of a 25 year relationship, one that never let me down….until it did. And if it hasn’t let you down yet it will. Everything will run it’s course in your life until it no longer serves you, just like the morning fires with me. Soon I will have the windows wide open to bring in the fresh clean mountain air, and it will literally clear out all of the winter smells. Is it time for you to open your windows? Time to clean out the wood stove and make room for new? I realized this morning that I shall begin my process of winding down this morning ritual that I love. And with this one I know that I will have a chance for it again in another 6 months.

Life in the Mountains

I recently had a conversation with a woman in Los Angeles about what it is like here in the San Juan Mountains. There seems to be a certain mystique about how life unfolds here, especially for those who live in densely populated areas, and major metropolitan communities. It is mornings like these that help me respond to that question. There is undoubtedly a change in the seasons right around the corner, the mountains still have snow on them, but there are patches of green grass that are showing. There is a natural rhythm, one that is predictable and comfortable. The chill of the mornings give way to warmer days, and the hope of summer.

It is hard to describe to some the fact that I haven’t heard a siren Read the rest of this entry »

Today is the 40th anniversary of the assassination of Martin Luther King, Jr. If you are conscious at all today you will most likely be barraged with news and reminders of that day 40 years ago. My mind this morning immediately went to “how old was I”. The answer is 12 years old. Quickly I thought about who I was at 12, and I would suspect I was free. I already had what King and the country was hoping for. The question came to me, when did I loose that freedom, and I would say the day I took my first drink, which would have been 3 years later at the age of 15. For the next 25 years I was a slave to alcohol. It was my master, my lover, my companion. And in that we all know there is no freedom.

So what happens to us when we really begin to work at our recovery? Freedom does come, and interestingly enough it has a price tag as well. But the price we pay for our work on our path will net life, and not assassination. The price is one of time invested in meetings, pages that are expired on a journal or relationships that need to be let go of.

Today I invite you to ask what you are paying for, are you paying for freedom or are you moving closer to your own death. What I have learned is that moving toward our own death doesn’t just have to be through our addiction, but we can get so far away from our divine purpose in this life that we are slowly dying.

Are you free today????